May, Motherhood and Me

“Until recently I only thought of you as my mother and barely as your own person who’s had a whole life before me.” My 18 year old son said this to me recently. My initial thought was, “You and me, my boy, I too have barely thought of me as a person beyond this identity. 

That’s when I decided to meet the person beyond the mother by going away on a trip with myself. I picked New York, a city very familiar to me, to avoid distractions and the only one to discover on this trip would be Me. 

First thing, I bought a new car. A car all for myself; not for the family, or grocery hauls, or vacations… none of that. Something I liked, in a color of my choice. I call her Ivy.

Once in New York, I picked the office of Mayor Zohran Mamdani to be my first stop! A part of me expected that he’d be there waiting to greet me. Sadly, he wasn’t, but  I had my fangirl moment nonetheless. I beamed like a teenager and took selfies outside his office for keepsake. Fueled by the quintessential NY street fare: a hot dog for lunch, I checked into my hotel in Gramercy. After a nondescript dinner, I drove up to Harlem to listen to live music; something I had wanted to do for many years now, but put on the back-burner. 

In the week that followed, I found myself wandering aimlessly. While the city was the same, I felt different. I slowly started to meet the person underneath the Mother. And I liked her a lot. Here are a few things I uncovered. 

I eat to fuel my body. I am not particular about the place, cuisine or vibe. Very much in contrast to the family vacations designed around restaurants, chefs and food crawls. 

I enjoy chatting with strangers I meet in the streets, in restaurants and at bars and am not as much the recluse I thought I was.I had a blast in a crammed comedy club, sharing laughs with strangers. 

Behind the taskmaster and troupe leader there is a person who enjoys her femininity. Be it dressing up for a dinner, or receiving compliments from strangers to trusting my intuition and acting upon it instead of rationalizing, I was at ease accepting help if someone offered. I found no need to be a Super Woman. 

I admire how liberating androgynous expressions could be. Conformity is so overrated.Things don’t need to be one way or the other. I have lived with clear dos and don’ts. But the truth is I enjoy blurred boundaries and fluidity. 

I am comfortable in a messy room, with my things scattered all over the place. Earrings, shoes, clothes, make-up, books, sketch pens… There is a messy college kid underneath the put-together mom. I was completely at ease lazying and eating in bed way past noon. 

One other thing I discovered was that I am able to write with music playing in my ears. One chilly morning, I walked into a small, neighborhood coffee shop. It was busy and all I could find was a little table on their porch looking at construction workers repairing the sidewalk. On a deadline to finish the April newsletter, I pulled out my notebook and began writing. This was one of those scenes that we have often watched in movies and read in stories of self-discovery. Each word I wrote, occasionally accompanied by involuntary tears rolling down my cold cheeks, served as a catharsis I didn’t know I needed. All this while, a lady from the construction crew in her hard hat watched me. She said nothing. She made no attempt to communicate. But she created a very warm space for me with her silent compassion. I wrote my piece in one go with the same song playing on loop in my earphones.

At the onset of my NYC trip, I was wary of meeting myself, a little afraid to find a sad and lonely mom. But I really liked the person I met. She was silly, goofy, easy-going, very relaxed and by and large, pretty sorted. And I was comfortable with my un-sorted and clumsy parts. 

The week was fabulous. I made a promise to myself to have more of these in the years to come. I prefer to call it, ‘Traveling with Myself,’ instead of Solo Travels. 

This year for Mother’s Day, I plan to do everything I always do. I will still hold the popular Afternoon Mother’s Day Chai service at TVK, spend time with the children and celebrate the gift of motherhood. All while cherishing the person that I am without any titles, jobs or relationships.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Discovering the rainbow within